Is your partner 'micro-cheating' on you?

We’ve all either done it or had it happen to us. Liking that thirst trap on Instagram. The flirtatious conversation that went on a little too long. Sliding into your ex's DMs. Giving a friend a compliment that had just a hint of sexual tension underneath it. Those actions that aren’t necessarily cheating, but it feels like we’re getting awfully close to that area. 

This is what’s known as micro-cheating — acts which aren't as serious as infidelity, but feel like a betrayal in themselves.

Acts of micro-cheating  upset us, and our feelings are important. Mashable spoke to experts to find out what constitutes micro-cheating, why micro-cheating happens, and what on earth we’re supposed to do about it when it’s easy to feel like you’re not "allowed" to be mad. 

What is micro-cheating? 

Put simply, micro-cheating is not a full-blown affair. Instead, it takes the form of engaging in inappropriate behaviours or interactions that teeter around the edges of intimacy or attempts facilitating intimacy with other people.

Typically, this is behaviours like:

• Flirting and feeding a sexual energy with someone.

• Liking or complimenting provocative content that someone posts on social media.

• Maintaining an emotionally intimate or flirtations relationship with an ex.

• Not setting clear boundaries with someone who appears interested in you, or minimising or hiding your relationship status from them.

• Giving your phone to someone.

• Joining a dating site to browse singles profiles.

• Spending money on another person.

• Speaking negatively about your relationship or partner, particularly with someone you are or might be interested in.

• Maintaining ongoing communication with someone while keeping the interactions partially or fully secret from your partner.

• Seeking comfort and connection from someone when there is tension in your relationship.

However, what is considered micro-cheating (or straight up cheating) to one person might not make sense to the next person. Lori Kret, licensed therapist and co-founder of Aspen Relationship Institute says it’s difficult to create a specific list of behaviours that are universally considered micro-cheating, as each couple will have their own definitions for infidelity and where lines are drawn.

What counts as micro-cheating?

Moraya Seeger DeGeare, relationship expert at Paired, an intimacy building app for couples, says micro-cheating can be both intentional and unintentional. "It might be anything from liking an old flame’s social media posts right through to downloading a dating app, even if you never intend to meet up with anyone," she says. 

Sometimes we don’t realise how our actions will impact our partner or understand where the line is. "This is why it’s important to discuss boundaries early in the relationship — and continue to reevaluate as you move through different life stages," Seeger DeGeare advises. For example, what was okay as a new couple in your mid-twenties might feel like a betrayal 10 years down the road. 

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"These are not one-and-done conversations, as you grow as individuals, the relationship’s needs and boundaries adjust with you," she notes. 

If there’s no communication like this, Kret says partners can "make assumptions and set the boundary for cheating at physical contact. As a result, they can unintentionally step into a grey space that they don’t perceive as cheating, but that their partners do."

She adds, "It’s important to recognize that every individual has a different conceptualization of what feels hurtful or vulnerable and not assume that your boundaries are the same as what feels safe, healthy and appropriate for your partner."

So, am I micro-cheating?

Even if you have skipped over the boundaries of conversations, there are some tell-tale signs that you might be micro-cheating and need to adjust your behaviour.

Seeger DeGeare says, while there’s no definitive rule book of what is and isn’t classified as micro-cheating, if you are consciously aware your interactions with someone else could make your partner feel uncomfortable, it is worth thinking about if it is possibly falling into the category of micro-cheating.

She adds that the first step is being honest with yourself. "Are you forming an intimate bond or emotional connection with someone else outside the relationship that has a sexual element to it? Do you think your partner would be uncomfortable with your behaviour? Would you feel hurt if they did the same thing to you? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, it might be a sign something isn’t right," she explains. 

If you still don’t have an answer, the next step might be to have a conversation with your partner about discussing cheating boundaries, so you can both have fun without hurting one another. 

What effect does micro-cheating have on a relationship?

The emotional intimacy, flirtation, and secrecy involved in micro-cheating can erode the connection, trust and security of a relationship over time. Kret says, "Committed relationships take consistent effort, and directing one’s emotional and sexual energy to people and connections outside of your partner means you're allowing your relationship intimacy to stagnate."

This, of course, isn’t to say partners shouldn’t have close, intimate connections with family and friends. In fact, they absolutely should. "But flirting, sexting, or having private lunches with a coworker can not only feel like betrayal for your partner, but also distracts you from putting in the energy to create the relationship you really want," Kret adds.

She notes that micro-cheating is often so hurtful because it disrupts a partner's sense of emotional safety in the relationship. "When a partner is micro-cheated on, their feelings of being loved, cared-for, protected, honoured, respected and/or secure can suddenly be challenged," she explains. 

Not understanding why the partner micro-cheated can heighten insecurity, sometimes leading the partner on the receiving end to begin to question their own lovability, attractiveness or worth, or can struggle to trust that it won’t happen again.

Why do people micro-cheat?

Some people genuinely don’t understand that they’re micro-cheating because the act might seem okay to them and not their partner, and they haven’t had that conversation aloud together. 

But there are those that intentionally make bad relationship moves. And Kret says these individuals are usually trying to get needs met in immature or unhealthy ways. "They may have insecurities that they are trying to soothe through attention from others or they may be struggling with an internal conflict between wanting to be in a monogamous relationship but also having a part of them that is not ready to commit or that wants to rebel," she explains.

Often, these individuals internally or externally rationalise their behaviour as "not cheating" (getting out on a technicality, basically) so they can be forgiven and continue to permit themselves to engage in these self-serving connections.

Can a relationship survive micro-cheating?

Breaches of trust in a relationship can be incredibly painful to recover from, regardless of whether they’re intentional and especially if they happen consistently. Micro-cheating, just like regular cheating, can feel like a violation. 

Seeger DeGeare says it can take a lot of work, months or even years to repair the damage from micro-cheating, but it’s possible if both people in the relationship truly want the relationship to continue.

"Firstly, the couple needs to work together to rebuild trust. There’s no shortcut to this — it simply requires showing up for your partner every day transparently, authentically and with the aim of connection. It takes however long it takes," she notes. 

Both partners also need to invest time and emotional work to improve communication and connection. She adds, “Part of improving this connection and communication requires understanding each other’s perspective. Why did one partner micro-cheat? And how did it make the other partner feel? Is there something missing from the relationship that can be addressed?”

It can also be helpful to seek professional support from a licensed couples therapist, who can help partners try to constructively and effectively repair the relationship after a betrayal.